7/22/2009
1:09 PM
Jodi and Chris:
did you look at my pics?
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1:09 PM
katie:
not yet im about to
why didnt you message me back when i was in the hospital
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1:09 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i was at work when you sent the text and i walked away from my phone and then i forgot
what happened?
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1:10 PM
katie:
i had a bad panic attack and cut my leg open with a serrated knife
it was really scary
i had 51 stitches
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1:10 PM
Jodi and Chris:
what were you panic-ing about? don't know how to spell that
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1:10 PM
katie:
i have a lot of anxiety issues anyway
i was fighting with nick
its a long story lol
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1:11 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i'm listening
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1:11 PM
katie:
i dunno things have been pretty bad for me, im trying to get my shit together but im way too sensitive to other people but atthe same time feel the need to be around people a lot
so i get myself in bad situations
liek havign a lot ofpeople livng with me
and going insane
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1:12 PM
Jodi and Chris:
you should just kick everyone out of your house
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1:12 PM
katie:
no
paddy is gone
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1:12 PM
Jodi and Chris:
who all is there now?
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1:12 PM
katie:
its not them its me lol
me and nick and tori and randy but randy is probably moving out soon she lost her job
thats paddys gf
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1:12 PM
Jodi and Chris:
who took u to the hospital?
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1:12 PM
katie:
nick did
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1:13 PM
Jodi and Chris:
what did the doctors say to you?
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1:13 PM
katie:
i just kind of lost it after paddy and i broke up honestly and i didnt realize what was going on
they were stupid doctors
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1:13 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i thought you were ok with the break up
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1:13 PM
katie:
trying to medicate me instead of talking to me
lol no it was horible
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1:13 PM
Jodi and Chris:
why did you let him back in the house then?
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1:13 PM
katie:
it took me awhile to get over it
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1:14 PM
Jodi and Chris:
well u broke up with him right?
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1:14 PM
katie:
oh it was horrible in the sense that i still loved him
no
it was mutual
we flirted with the idea of making it work but we had too many issues
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1:14 PM
Jodi and Chris:
oh...well do you still love nick?
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1:14 PM
katie:
it didnt work
oh of course
he just had some growing up to do too before id get serious
still does really
i just like
take peoples shit too much
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1:14 PM
Jodi and Chris:
so what are you going to do now?
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1:15 PM
katie:
i feel like im pretty ready to go enroll in school
i was just waiting for my leg to heal
and im separating from nick at least like
as far as rooms go
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1:15 PM
Jodi and Chris:
where on your leg?
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1:15 PM
katie:
were still together but need more independence
ill show you a picture of it
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1:16 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i see the pic....u cut it in 3 different places?
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1:16 PM
katie:
http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/78/l_a158b9b98dbd4492825da660c6b2cd06.jpg
ah
yeah
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1:16 PM
Jodi and Chris:
did you slice it or hack it?
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1:16 PM
katie:
it was really fast
i just picked it up and sliced
i didnt realize how hard
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1:17 PM
Jodi and Chris:
didn't it hurt after the first time? how could you do it 3 times?
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1:17 PM
katie:
lol i didnt feel anything
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1:17 PM
Jodi and Chris:
what did nick do about it?
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1:17 PM
katie:
those cuts happened like within a second of each other
he screamed at me
more
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1:17 PM
Jodi and Chris:
you weren't going to cut him were you?
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1:17 PM
katie:
no
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1:18 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i would get rid of the knives...you never know if that will happen again
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1:18 PM
katie:
lol
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1:18 PM
Jodi and Chris:
seriously
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1:18 PM
katie:
everyone elses opinion is that i get rid of nick
it isnt the knives
im done with knives
what i need to do is stop taking shit from boys
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1:19 PM
Jodi and Chris:
yeah i agree
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1:19 PM
katie:
it was a scary thing that happened but im trying to take the positive from it
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1:19 PM
Jodi and Chris:
that is why i said you need to kick them all out of the house and be alone for awhile and figure it out
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1:19 PM
katie:
think it made me and nick both realize what was going on
nah i just got my own bedroom lol
and separated myself from nick a bit
paddy doesnt live with me anymore
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1:20 PM
Jodi and Chris:
what about his girlfriend...isn't that weird?
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1:20 PM
katie:
nah i like her
we had an open relationship anyway lol
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1:20 PM
Jodi and Chris:
what does mom say about all this?
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1:21 PM
katie:
she feels about how i do except she thinks i should break up with nick
and she hates paddy
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1:21 PM
Jodi and Chris:
did she go to the hospital?
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1:21 PM
katie:
yeah she came a couple of times
i tried not to worry her with it
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1:21 PM
Jodi and Chris:
she never mentioned it to me....i forgot to ask her about it
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1:21 PM
katie:
ick stayed with me
nick*
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1:21 PM
Jodi and Chris:
how long were you there for?
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1:22 PM
katie:
i was in the er for 3 nights
the mental ward for 2, that was mandatory
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1:22 PM
Jodi and Chris:
are you serious???
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1:22 PM
katie:
yz
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1:22 PM
Jodi and Chris:
been awhile for that
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1:22 PM
katie:
yeah it was embarrassing and sobering
but i got something out of it
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1:22 PM
Jodi and Chris:
that is a good thing
well listen, we are going to be 30 soon. it is time to make a change!
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1:23 PM
katie:
yeah thats what im thinking
im going into my 30s a new person
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1:23 PM
Jodi and Chris:
like i said before, you are too talented and smart
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1:23 PM
katie:
i think ive come a long way and kinda stumbled back a little
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1:23 PM
Jodi and Chris:
one thing i have learned is that you have to surround yourself with positive people
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1:23 PM
katie:
but im pretty much happy with myself
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1:23 PM
Jodi and Chris:
you are who you hang around
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1:23 PM
katie:
yeah lol that is true
i just have a bad habit of wanting to help everyone
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1:23 PM
Jodi and Chris:
that is why i do not hang out with negative people who bring me down
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1:24 PM
katie:
so i attract crazies
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1:24 PM
Jodi and Chris:
it is ok to think of yourself
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1:24 PM
katie:
yeah thats the problem haha
im getting there
im glad you learned how to do that
ei really dont wanna be like mom in that way
helping everyone
not taking care of myself
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1:24 PM
Jodi and Chris:
it is a hard thing to do.....i just had to quit hanging out with people like that
chris is the same way
yeah i see mom being more and more like nanny
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1:25 PM
katie:
yeah and i see myself being more and more like them both
it freaks me out
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1:25 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i think mom needs to do more for herself, but at the same time she puts herself in these situations
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1:25 PM
katie:
yeah and so do i lol
your very right
who wold have thought my sister wold have the best observations on this
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1:26 PM
Jodi and Chris:
i tell her all the time but she doesn't listen.
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1:26 PM
katie:
yeah me too
and it makes me feel so bad about myself honestly lol
i barely call her or talk to her cause i dont want to burden her
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1:26 PM
Jodi and Chris:
well i moved away and do things on my own and i don't depend on her for anything. only person that depends on me is chris and jacob
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1:27 PM
katie:
yeah i would very much like to be able to do that, its my goal
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1:27 PM
Jodi and Chris:
but i will take care of her when she is older if necessary....but like today, i have baby in daycare just so i could have some alone time and clean the house
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1:27 PM
katie:
my 30 year resolution
hey if you ever want me to come over and take care of him please call me
i know you think im crazy and shit
but its what i want to do with life lol
i love kids
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1:27 PM
Jodi and Chris:
if i do, it would have to be just you and no friends
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1:27 PM
katie:
of course
it would mean a lot to me
ill baby sit cheap
fuck daycare
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1:28 PM
Jodi and Chris:
mom babysits free :-)
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1:28 PM
katie:
lol well
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1:28 PM
Jodi and Chris:
our daycare is $1100 a month
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1:28 PM
katie:
when she cant
jesus christ
seriously jodi
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1:28 PM
Jodi and Chris:
yes, it is expensive but really good
trust me, we looked at a lot of them
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1:28 PM
katie:
let me help it would help me too
but its your choice
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1:29 PM
Jodi and Chris:
we'll see. i would have to ask chris about it
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1:29 PM
katie:
ok
you guys can watch me with him if you want, and like
i have references lol
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1:29 PM
Jodi and Chris:
ok, so this is what you need to do
write down all of your goals
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1:29 PM
katie:
ive been doing this kind of work steadily for years
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1:29 PM
Jodi and Chris:
and post them on the walls so you can look at them everyday
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1:30 PM
katie:
yeah you are right
i was thinking about that
i dunno wtf school to go to jodi
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1:30 PM
Jodi and Chris:
it takes 21 days to make a habit, so you can't make a change overnight
but first step to me is get rid of all these negative people
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1:31 PM
katie:
lol it isnt them so much as me jodi
nick and i play off eac others emotions
we both want to make it work
paddy isnt around
randy is positive as fuck
tori is neutral
i need to be more positive
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1:32 PM
Jodi and Chris:
ok, well maybe i would sit everybody down and tell them what you want to accomplish and get everyones commitment to support you
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1:32 PM
katie:
haha ive kinda done that
dont worry im geting it together
just trying to relax my brain and let my leg heal
ive been good since ive been out
nick and i are doing better
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1:33 PM
Jodi and Chris:
ok well let me know how it is going. i have to go because i have to finish cleaning the house before i go to work tonight...i have inventory tonight
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1:33 PM
katie:
ok i will thanks for talking to me, i love you
talk to chris about baby sitting
i can give references :-!
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1:33 PM
Jodi and Chris:
love you too. your welcome. i will talk to him
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1:33 PM
katie:
k
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1:33 PM
Jodi and Chris:
bye
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1:33 PM
katie:
cya

[QUOTE=MURMURMAID;842617]honestly im still not sure what exactly happened. i think some stress that i have been ignoring finally reached a boiling point. the point where i picked up the knife and started slashing is pretty blurry, but i remember kind of yelling in a strangely animal way while i did it. 3 fast swoops and i went calm... until i looked down to see what damage id done (i recall hoping for deeper wounds than usual, which really freaks me out) and saw about an inch of bleeding meat. that was just the top cut, i didnt bother to look at the other ones, i just said "take me to the hospital".

i remember nick freaking out a lot and asking him to please just try to be strong for me and take me to the hospital. when he finally got himself composed i kind of lost it myself. i would look down at my mangled calf and watch the blood drip down my ankle, over my foot, and onto the floor of the car, trying to comprehend that that was MY LEG and that it was HAPPENING TO ME. when it became more real to me the sight of what id fucking done to my body would send me into an instant panic until i looked away and tried to focus on what needed to be done. for some reason i kept looking at it again and again though, i think i thought that it was important to stay aware of the fact that i had done something fucking horrible to myself. i remember it in grizzly detail, more than i would like to honestly, but still i think its important to have that one stored in my memory banks. kind of wish i had taken a picture, lol.

so yeah i get to the hospital and we walked to the wrong entrance. im in a tank top without a bra and some fucking bootie shorts what a sight, half naked and trailing blood. when i realized we went to the wrong building i just gave up. people were coming n and out looking and asking questions. i just kept saying "someone get me a fucking wheelchair and take me to the E.R.". someone asked me what happened and i said "i cut my leg open with a serrated knife, thanks for asking". she looked scared and walked away. someone finally brought me a wheelchair and took me to the E.R.

this part sucked. they gave me like 10 shots of whatever numbing crap they use, like right into the exposed meat. that fucking hurt. i didnt even feel it when i cut myself or afterwards, until right before they started giving me shots, but even that pain was nothing compared to the shots. luckily that wore off fast and they started stitching me up. my mom showed up and she and nick watched the show. im kinda glad i couldnt see it lol.

after all this excitement it was pretty much hurry up and wait. i was in the E.R. for 3 nights while they tried to find me a bed in a psych ward somewhere. i was on suicide watch so i couldnt do anything without some weird person following me around. not that i could walk... i even had to be personally escorted in a wheelchair by security to have a cigarette. there was plenty of time to have random flashes of GRISLY LEG MEAT and feeling a surreal panic wash over me. it really all seemed unreal. i kept saying i cant believe i fucking did that to myself. i still cant figure out ifit was really an accident like i claim... did i really just push too harder than i thought i was or did i think at all? ive been cutting off and on for 18 years but i was always very precise and careful about it. this time i just DID IT. i could have VERY easily picked another spot to mutilate and bled to death. this is what really scared some sense in to me. stop avoiding the issues, stop hiding from the truth, get a fucking grip man...

eventually i got to a mental health place and spent just 2 days there, but honestly it was really kind of fun and i was sad they thought i was better so soon lol. i kind of wish id told them i wasnt ready but what the hell. im sitting here now kind of like "what next?"... same old fucking dirty depressing crowded house, im broke and unemployed, same issues that were plaguing me before this happened. the one thing that has changed is that i know i NEED to change, and i want to. hopefully i am able to rise above the shit thats been dragging me down thus far but so far ive been extremely unsuccessful. lol but its been 2 hours, i think ill give myself a better chance. its so easy in the midst of pain to feel like all is hopeless but im clinging to the things i learned from all this.

1. im pretty cool and have things to offer the world
2. there are people with MUCH sorrier circumstances than i
3. pain is inevitable, misery is optional

im going to give myself the night to settle back in but im scared that if i dont start implementing the things i learned ASAP i might decide i didnt mean any of it and fall back into the same patterns.

lol heres a fake story i wrote once on the dv after visiting sarah and josh in kansas. i ame home and quit the dv with this story because i was crazy over what really happened there 9which was me being drugged the fuck out and stupid about social situations) and wanted to dissapear. its funny.

___



well, ive been back about 4 days, and if no ones noticed, i havent been posting at all till today, and i havent gotten online much either. i tried to write this up several times but its so complicated i dont know where to start. im talking about my vacation to kansas here... blah ill give this a shot, but im gonna try to keep it as simple as possible.

i got to kansas at about 4pm on thursday, 30 min before brad would be home from work, so i just drove around his town and waited. finally i called and brad answered, so i went to his house to stay for the night. sarah was flying in the next morning and josh would be joining us soon therafter. so that night it was just me and brad. he was acting weird. shifty eyes. i heard dxmface whisper "sounds shady" in my head and i shrugged the feeling off. it had been a long trip. brad brought me what he called "orange juice", and i tasted it, and it didnt taste right. "oh, thats cause its sunny delight" he explained when i commented on the taste. so i gulped my drink down without another thought. this is the last thing i remember for i dont know how long. i woke up hearing the voices of brad, sarah, and josh. i couldnt make out what they were saying except that it was about me. "sarah?" i whispered. my mouth felt dry and my lips cracked. "im right here katie" she said and i felt someone grab my hand. i opened my eyes. to the right of me was sarah, strapped to a bed by thick belts. i looked down at myself. i, too, was strapped down. "good morning" i heard josh say behind me. i looked up to see him hovering over me with a rusty syringe. "whats going on" i asked him... but he just gave me a sinister grin and then jabbed me in the arm with the needle. whatever he was injecting into me burned like fuck, but it didnt last long, because i was out again right away. when i awoke again it wasnt to voices, but to a loud humming noise, some sort of machine. then i noticed i was in pain... i looked towards my right ankle, the source of this pain, and there was some huge scary bald guy giving me a tattoo. "WHAT THE FUCK" i screamed at him. he dropped his tool, jumped towards me, and slapped me across the face. "DONT FUCK WITH BIG DADDY, MISSY." he said "IF I HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU ILL FUCK YOU UP LIKE I DID YOUR FRIEND HERE". thats when i noticed sarah again, laying there with a bloody nose and two black eyes. i layed back and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. i cried for several minutes, but silently, i didnt want to disturb big daddy. domr time passed, i dont know how much, and i felt big daddy get up. "im done, boss" he called out before he left the room. a couple mins pass... then josh comes in, followed by brad, then about 12 other people one by one that i had never seen before. i felt sarah grab my hand again where it was strapped down next to mine, and i squeezed it back. josh started talking. i cant remember much of what he said because it was so utterly insane. basicly i learned the following things: a) josh is the leader of a small but growing cult B ) each member is tattoed with "ASDF" c) we had just been tattoed with "ASDF" d) we were to be his newest members. josh ranted and raved for i dont know how long, and then asked everyone to leave. before he left he informed us both that we were being given injections of something, i cant rememebr what it was called. something long and scary sounding. it was a type of hypnotic. basicly, we were going to be brainwashed. when he left the room sarah turned to me and said "KATIE YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET SOMETHING OUT OF MY BRA!!" i was like WTF??? "i got a hold of some PCP while i was at the airport here. i was just gonna give it to josh for MAX HILARITY" it dawned on me what she was suggesting. now all we had to do was figure out how to get something out of her bra. "here, stretch towards me as much as you can" i told her. then i stretched toards her as far as i could. "just a little more, sarah, come on!" i said, my teeth still a fraction of an inch from the front of her shirt. after some groaning and a good bit of pain, i was finally there. i bit into her shirt and got a good grip with my teeth. then i yanked my head back and ripped the front of it off. a little more manuvering and i was in position again. i bit into her bra and yanked. it ripped off too. here. out rolled a little blue bottle, the same one she had her foxy in. it rolled exactly where i needed it to go and without hesitation i smashed my skull into the bottle. some shards stuck in my head, some flew to the ground. but the powder went exactly where i wanted it. right between our heads. we could turn and snort it very easily. i went first. the foxy was in a gel cap so there was only PCP there to snort. i snorted a good bit and then told sarah to do the same. she did. before too long the PCP started taking affect. i began to feel my heart pumping hard, hearing it loud in my ears. i started to get angry at the situation i was in. i felt crazy. i know i must have snorted a lot of this drug i had never taken before. i looked at sarah. her nose had started bleeding again and her eyes were crazy, wide open and bloodshot. all at once she let loose with a huge gut wrenching scream and then suddenly, with a creaking tearing noise, her arms were raised and dangling leather staps. i felt power shoot through me and i was invincible. i strained against my binds for maybe 10 sec before the broke loose and i screamed with satisfaction. my legs were next. by this time sarah was out of her confines and looking around for a weapon. i jerked my legs and the straps pulled away from the beds we were tied to almost easily, or so it felt. i jumped up and helped sarahtear the legs off of a table in the far corner of whatever room we were in. we each held a large wooden stake as we emerged from our prison. as we made our way up the stairs i noticed pictures of brads family on the walls. we had been in his basement. then why hadnt his family known??? my question was answered right away... brads mom was waiting for us at the top of the stairs, her husband close behind. they were both holding guns. our reflexes were quick though, and we were strong. sarah jumped on brads mom and i took his step dad. i bashed my head into his at full force and he fell onto the floor, comatose. i looked over to see sarah smash brads moms head through a wall. we took the guns and ran into the street. i dont remember much else. i was hopped up on PCP and crazy. i remember cops and ambulances and then waking up in the mental ward of a hospital. my mom was there. she told me how sarah and i had beat up 8 cops and shot up a BORDERS bookstore. we were both taken to the hospital and treated. sarah recovered first and was on her way back to maryland. i was told i could leave with my mother as soon as i showed signs of improving.

so a couple days later, i came home. no one believes our story. they think we are delusional drugged up teenagers. we are both on house arrest and must go to the mental hospital twice a week for serious counceling. i dont know exactly whats gonna happen. but im scared. im not allowed to use the computer anymore, moms rules. shes taking it from me as soon as i write this and say goodbye. i dont know what else to say. ive enjoyed my time here and ill miss everyone. i love you guys. maybe ill be back one day, but probably not. you can erase my name now joe.

Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.

behind the music
Listen up kids.

We have an epic tale.

About the DV Band,

And how it came to be.

Where it came from.

What it is.

Rock out.

Pattamus falls towards earth rocking out of his gourd
"Boing!" said God.

"Boing!" said Pattamuss, as was his wont.

"Pat, I need you to do me a favour." God stroked his feathery beard and kneeled down, pointing to a gap between the clouds. "You see that there?"

"Yes, God? That's the Earth."

"Indeed Pat. The Earth is in grave danger. The people there are hungry, they are miserable, they are disease-ridden, they are generally pretty fucked up. But that's not the worst of it."

"No?"

"No, Pat. The people on Earth, they have… they have no jive. No soul, no funk, no sound, no noise, no rhythm. What they need, Pat, is a band."

"A band, God?"

"A band, Pat. And you will be part of this band. This band will change the Earth forever, and hopefully, Pat, hopefully they won't have to worry anymore. You see Pat, the band shall be called…

JACK

FALLOPIA

BOING!"

And so, with the image of God tattooed on his head, Pat sailed down the misty veils of astral to the Earth where, hopefully, he could form the ultimate band, and bring some true groove to that lonely blue ball.



Murmurmaiden has a terrible car accident that gives her a special gift
Murmurmaiden was an unhappy yogi. She'd spent years practicing guitar, and for what? She didn't even know how to pick the thing up! It was all too complicated, and all too much trouble… but she'd promised her Mexican lover Padraic that one day she'd play the guitar for him, so there was a sense of obligation. With a heavy sigh she sat at the front seat of her car and began to drive.

She wasn't watching where she was going. She was too busy thinking about the guitar. And Padraic. Beautiful, dreamy Padraic, with his weird Mexican lingo and his strange way of strumming her spine that made her feel more alive than she'd ever been before. She closed her eyes, and pretended she was strumming the guitar… and that he was strumming her. And then, it happened.

There was a terrible accident.

The air bag broke her hands.

They had to be amputated.

But in the surgery one day, a mysterious stranger appeared and told Murmurmaiden that he had been sent by God. He gave her new hands, the hands of a blues guitarist.

"With these hands, God wants you to play lead guitar. And sing, if you like."

And together Pat and Murmur set about finding the rest of the band.



The Mysterious Dreadlocked Poetry Robot With a Bass Guitar!
Pat and Murmur found themselves in the middle of the desert. Their car had broken down, and they had no water, no petrol, no phone. Pat couldn't even get God to give them a hand, because it wasn't in the contract. So they sat by the roadside, and waited in the dust, wondering if their efforts had amounted to nothing.

"What's that, Murmur?"

"Well ah'll be damned, storm's a comin' Pat."

"Shucks, Murmur, that ain't like no storm I've ever seen before…"

Above them the dark clouds whirled, crushing in on each other over and over in a seemingly endless game of hatred. There was an ominous feeling all around, the air was dry.

"Pat…"

BAM

Lightning struck! Pat and Murmur leapt to their feet, shocked. For on the bare earth where the heaven's bolt had fallen, was a beautiful creature. A small smiling dreadlocked robot, a vision in steel and poetry. She walked towards them, and tried to communicate- but she could only speak bass.

Pat looked at Murmur and smiled.

"I think we've found our bass player."



The sexually ambiguous duo of mystery completes the band! What will befall them as they play?
Padraic and Tyutchev were two super-cool smooth customers. Even though Padraic was a Mexican and his girlfriend had disappeared, he didn't let it get him down. He spent a lot of time hitting his triangle in the village square while Tyutchev danced. They made some small cash this way, enough to pay for tequila and a room in the Cactus Inn. It was a bad life, but it was all they had, and they were pretty happy.

One day they went out to the desert to die, finally despairing that they would ever achieve anything of importance. They decided to do one last triangle dance, for old times' sake, before they kicked the bucket. Luckily Tyutchev had brought a portable piano keyboard this time, so he could add a little bit extra to the funeral dirge.

"What's that, Tyut?"

"A car, Paddy, a car!"

The car screeched to a halt beside them, a bright shiny new red Cadillac. Inside was a robot, a guy with god tattooed on his forehead and….

"Shit! Murmurmaiden! I thought you were dead!"

"Oh Padraic, only my hands baby. Quick, get in the car. We need to form a band!"

"A band?" said Tyutchev, skeptically.

"YES," said everyone else. "JACK FELLOPIA BOING!"

1. intro - main characters house, MC (main character) ordering cvs

stuff, bitching about limit of gels you can buy at once, calls customer

service, morpheous, or a play on that character, picks up. tells him

about the neverending holy tussin grail and that MC must find it. tells

MC to find the oracle. MC is intrigued... goes in MIRC and discusses

quest in chat. agrees to pick some friends up on the way in

winnebego. ASDF wants to come but is rejected. ASDF plots to stalk

gang across country.

2. hydra - we see a tussin red hydra sitting at a station of 5

computers... one for each head. each head is a mom, one for each of

the 5 moms that run fivemoms.com, the anti dxm website. the tussin

hydra lives on cough syrup and wants to find the elusive holy tussin

grail so it can live forever, and uses anti dxm propaganda to keep

kids from being able to clean stores out of dxm so they can have more

access to it. they are responsible for for the 18 and over laws and

limits on how many dxm containing products they can buy. 5 mom

heads rap to each other about plans to explain story. they have a narc

on every drug related website. the narc hears of the dv groups plans

and alerts hydra, who sets out to follow them, and then destroy them,

after they lead them to the tussin grail of course. the narc is already

"friends" with MC and crew and plans to infiltrate.

3. oracle - dv crew finds oracle. they are ushered into a kitchen much

like the one on the matrix. large black woman is cleaning stove with

pinesol. she is the lady from the pine sol commercials. she tells them

to have a seat. MC begins to ask about grail when... "get out of my

kitchen woman!"...and its hunter s thompson in a robe (not dv HST

mind you). hes the oracle. the black lady was the maid. he tells crew

(with rap verses) that they need to find the worlds largest olneys

lesion. it is a wormhole to the astral plane. on the astral plane they will

find someone who will help them on their journey. after a conversation

about who has done the most dxm ever, they come to the conclusion

that it must be hamlet with the wormhole lesion, so they head for PA.

4. PA/astral plane - crew shows up at the office where hamlet works.

he is sober now. wears suit and tie. he is bewildered but says crew

can borrow his lesion if they make it quick. crew feels the suction from

the lesion and let themselves be carried by it, through is ear. they

arrive on the astral plane to find chubbz. note that chubbz cant rap. he

got lost in the astral plane while searching for the grail. he tells crew

he was looking for kittybewm before he got lost.they find the exit and

fall out hamlets other ear. he yells at them to get out of his office and

they head off to find kittybewm. rap sequence?

5. kittybewm/walmart - crew arrives at kittybewms house in arizona.

inside they can hear bewm! bewm! bewm! along with bouncing and

clanging. no one answers the door so they walk inside. theres

kittybewm, who is actually a pokemon. she becomes their sidekick,

not unlike jar jar binx in star wars. she leads everyone to walmart to

buy tussin for a group trip in the desert. inside walmart one of the crew

decides to shoplift the inhaler of unsobriety (benzedrex) and sam

walton jumps from the rafters to destroy them. security escorts crew

and walton to an office where a rap battle ensues. one of crew (im

thinking n_u) blows sam away. while sam screams in pain, crew

dashes out of store into the desert.

6. desert - crew makes fire and consumes tussin. someone doesnt

drink tussin. everyone screams chug it narc! narc doesnt chug and

crew realizes he is in fact, a narc. there is a rap battle while narc loses

easily. he is chased out into the night desert by kittybewm who uses

some pokemon powers on him. crew then decides to consult lady

salvia while on dxm to ask for their next step. salvia is smoked. there

is a triptastic scene where walkaway, glowing green, dressed like

data from star treck except for data in drag, appears and recites

some rhymes about RFG who lives in a cave. he knows where the

tussin grail is. more trippiness and then crew leaves to find cave.

need to find out where rfg lives.

7. spider cave - the cave is found. RFG sits in a chair petting a cat.

you can only see his hand. this is a reference to dr claw from inspector

gadget. his lair is full of computers and spiders. he doesnt want to

disclose the secrets, but agrees to as long as the grail does not get

into the wrong hands. he knows there are other forces at work. he tells

them to find the cvs headquarters in NYC. they hold the holy tussin

grail. this story should probably be told in rap. while in the lair one of

crew uses a computer to make a post while fucked up in the

footmouth forum, saying "OMGZ WE R FIND GRAIL IN NYC LOLZ".

nitin sees it and edits thread to warn against lack of content, but then

invites crew to meet him in central park while in NYC.

8. nitin - nitin meets crew in central park. he is wearing gold chains

and a gold rolex. he blings heavily. MC is suspicious about DV funds

and how he can afford all the jewelry. everyone discusses grail and

nitin decides to join in. he invites everyone to relax at his apartment

before continuing on. in his apartment it is noted that he has a lot of

expensive things. more suspicion about dv funds. everyone drinks

beer and 3 guests arrive. stem, jungle monkey, and admiral nicci. they

are wearing next to nothing and are very flirtatious. they almost

completely seduce everyone with sexy raps until there is a distraction

outside apartment door. ASDF busts in and tries to grope the girls.

they turn into trolls and start to run. turns out they were succubi. ASDF

stalks them out of the building and we dont hear from any of them

again. MC confronts nitin who is now a scared indian man who admits

to dv fund fraud. he also admits after torture that he works with cvs

headquarters to keep tabs on dxm users, so no one will find grail. this

is why he he is involved with DV. he is tied to chair with gold chains.

crew leaves for headquarters.

9. hydra again - outside of cvs fortress the hydra appears. he has

found the location of grail by following crew and now wants to destroy

them completely with his freestyles. here we have another rap battle.

every time someone bests him, a new mom head appears, who is an

even better rapper. eventually they are at a stand still and someone

suggests they find the grail together and share it, since it is

neverending. they have become friends due to their love of freestyling

and are willing to share. the hydra, with about 20 mom heads now,

and the rest of crew make their way to the entrance of the fortress.

10. DMX - here they find a large menacing black man in a secutity

outfit. it is DMX the rapper. no one can pass without beating him in a

rap battle. after some hydra heads and all of the crew who are skilled

in the art of freestyle have their turn and dmx still stands, the crew is

scared and feels like giving up. then someone points out that the MC

has mad flow and should give it a shot. MC says she can only

freestyle online and not with her mouth. they decide to break out the

laptop and use a steven hawking sounding thing to speak her rhymes

for her. she types the most fly rhymes ever written and pwns dmx. he

melts like the wicked witch. crew jumps on hydras back and tramples

through the fortress, finding the grail in a room much like the one on

indiana jones and the last crusade. perhaps some jones references

here.

11. ending - the grail is passed around. everyone gets fucked up and

plays WOW together. the hydra is too fucked up to play and puts on a

bunch of headphones to listen to trance music. they all live happily

ever after.

the reason im afraid to have lesbian sex is because im afraid of hurting a woman. i know how we have been treated by men and i dont want to project my shit onto any woman. i always thought that i could fuck a woman but not be in love with one, but i think the opposite is true. i know the ways i have been approached when someone wanted to get close to me and usually it was with a dick in their hand. people sometimes habitually reflect behaviors they have learned from other people and this is not one i want to reflect on another creature that is so much like me. i met a woman tonight who is gorgeous, intelligent, creative, innocent, unsure, strong and hilarious. i saw myself in her and i fell in love the way one falls in love with a painting or a poem they relate to. this type of infatuation has led me to embarrass myself in the past because i associate it with sexual feelings. i think i associate sex with too many things. i am turned on by beauty and innocence and art. that doesn't mean i need to fuck everything beautiful and innocent and artistic. fucking is the way i learned to experience something in close contact. little did i know that the act of fucking corrupts people; yourself and others. to make love to something is to appreciate it. i can make love to a glass of wine by sipping it slowly through the night, relishing in its taste, being able to notice every way that it works its way into my blood stream, knowing that a little taste is pleasure enough to reflect upon. to fuck a glass of wine i would gulp down the cheapest nastiest shit with the highest alcohol content and then pour myself another glass. sometimes when you fuck there is no stopping until something is corrupt. fucking does have its place, but boundaries and control are so very important. know what experience you are going for, tread carefully, get something out of it and do damage control... whether it be a drug or a person or a book or a whole life, carefully, honestly, and genuinely is the way to handle anything. i want to fuck and i want to love. i am done corrupting and being corrupted. tonight i made love to an experience. i savored it, let it go at the appropriate time, reflected on it and let it inspire me. i had a crush on a woman who reminds me of me but is enigmatic also, because she is not me. i watched her interact with people that i already had relationships with me while we connected in our own way. i came home and loved my boyfriend more than ever and handled a tricky situation in a way im proud of. i sat down at a computer and wrote about my experience so that i would remember it always, and also to remind myself that i enjoy this form of expression and want to do it more. i feel calm and ready to handle anything that might and probably will come my way.

PS: R.I.P. michael jackson <3

ive decided to use this damn thing again for no reason other than I NEED PRACTICE WRITING! im supposed to be collaborating with nick on a fiction story but im so stuck. ill write a couple cool lines then the doubt sets in and its BACKSPACE as usual. seems like ive been having this problem far too long. if i ever want to be a writer (which i have since i was a small child) of any kind i better do some things to improve my talent and my fucking BALLZ pretty soon. blogging always seemed to help my creativity so its worth a shot. i dont really care at this point about embarrassing myself with journal entries that make me look ways i may not like in the future because as embarrassing as it is, i recall it being a major part of all the growing ive done in the past 8 or so years.

growth is a funny thing. ive done so much of it in the last decade that i dont recognize myself as the same person, but no matter how different i am there are some things (IMPORTANT things that seem to be the roots of every bad thing about me) that i still cant get a grasp on enough to change, let alone understand. its pretty bizarre how sometimes huge realizations will jump up and bite me in the buttocks when i least expect it. it can be extremely uncomfortable. an example:

a week or so ago nick and i were watching a movie when out of nowhere, BAM... i have severe control issues! um duh, right? ive known this for quite awhile, but what i didnt compute was WHY and how many fucked up ways it interferes with my life. most importantly it has kept me from enjoying any relationship ive ever been in. with a more reserved person i tend to demand attention, reactions, emotions, until the other person withdraws more. with a more open and affectionate person i put up all kinds of barriers because i feel i am being smothered by the very things i would demand from the former type. i will test my boundaries until there are none, in other words i completely sabotage having anything good and lasting in my life. why? of course its because i dont feel im good enough to have anything real or good and even if it turns out i DO deserve these things, i convince myself its bound to go bad eventually.

if hes a monogamous kinda guy ill probably want an open relationship so i can fuck around before he gets a chance too (cause i know he will one day), and if hes into open relationships i will probably try my hardest to get him to WANT ONLY ME. why wouldnt someone want to cheat on me? why would anyone ONLY WANT ME? its possible to hve either type of relationship and be happy except that trying to control anything usually has the opposite effect than im going for. it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. my first serious boyfriend was extremely jealous and convinced that i would cheat on him one day. after 2 years of someone telling me what was going to happen i became unhappy enough to be the person he suspected me of being. i cheated. i would have rather been monogamous to the BF forever but his distrust of me (that was based on nothing but his paranoia about not being good enough) pushed me half the way there. of course it was up to me to take the next step in that direction, but the fact that i DID showed me that anyone in the world is capable of anything.

that ended badly of course. my mom tried to make me feel better about the situation by telling me how she cheated on my dad for a long time before they got divorced. it DID make me feel better, because i knew it was possible to make mistakes, regret them, and change. on the other hand, WOW. my own parents? my mother staye3d with my father for 6 or so years without loving him back. taking his semi-abusive ways without making any attempt to change them except by fucking another man? staying together for the children doesnt work when your children have to witness tense situations, fights, and general confusion because of all the shit going on under the surface. how does it do us any good? i did learn valuable things from my parents, dont get me wrong, but some things i could have dont without learning are my mothers dishonesty and her innate ability to be a pushover, but most especially my dads extreme need to control everything.

my second serious relationship (after a string on non-serious ones id never let get past square one) could have been perfect but i was so hung up on monogamous relationships being lies that i took the polyamoury thing way too far. i knew hed eventually want to sleep with someone else and damned if im gonna let it take me by surprise, so ill just pretend i wouldnt care. i figured as long as i knew about it and trusted he would come back to me it wasnt a big deal. in the mean time i ended up screwing about 10 other guys in that 4 year period ONLY because i was scared to give myself completely to the person i was deeply in love with. did i enjoy any of the sex? no. did it bite me in the ass? YES! a million times over. eventually my asshole attitude about everything pushed him towards someone else. in the last bitter months i grasped for every straw i could find, but i never caught one. its been over for over a year now.

there was another semi serious one after that but the fact that he was a sexual deviant (yeah more so than me) kept me several carefully measured steps away from anything serious on my part. the funny thing is that i KNOW if id let myself get close and really be in love and focus only on him that he would have lusted after other girls and not told me when he fucked them. instead i gave him a big fuck no to monogamy and kept my barriers up. what happened? he was "madly in love with me", he insisted on monogamy from me, he wanted marriage and children and the whole shebang. i wouldnt give him anything except "i dont know what could happen, im not making any promises". he ended up back in prison and still thinks hes desperately in love with me. personally i think its because he and i have the same control and abandonment issues. now it is he who is grasping for straws.

my current relationship is a bit different. the main difference is that because of it i have realized the severity of these problems. after all the failed relationships ive had i knew that i didnt want to do ANYTHING to fuck this one up. ive alternated from DONT GET TOO CLOSE to OMG ILL DIE IF I LOSE HIM so often that it really did a number on me. the stress that this beautiful relationship causes me has been insane. i DO NOT want to deal with it the rest of my life (or however long it ends up lasting). i have forced myself to analyze my behaviors and find the reasons for them. the best ive come up with, other than learning a lot of it from my parents and past failed relationships, is that something pretty devestating happened to me as a child that made me feel like life was a vehicle and i was in the drivers seat but the brakes didnt work. when i was 9 a lot of things happened around the same time. first we moved away from the only home and friends id ever known, then my sister and i stopped getting along and she pretty much had nothing else to do with me, even now. my parents announced an impending divorce and in the middle of it my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

i went from being a well adjusted, smart, creative and care-free kid to an utter mess. i developed an annoying case of obsessive compulsive disorder which caused me to concentrate of bizarre rituals so i could feel control over anything. of course there was the major depression and the eventual post traumatic stress but those took some more time to suck my life and energy from me. i also began obsessing over my weight and alternated from chronic overeating to bulemia to anorexia. why? yeah i was self concious about my weight, but mostly it was CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. all of these things began before id ever had a relationship, and they still exist in varying degrees, but my main problem now is that im almost 30 and still dont quite know how to behave like a civilized person in a romantic relationship.

but the good news... what makes this relationship different than others ive had i have become more aware with age not only of all the stupid mistakes ive made but the ROOTS of the issues which make it so easy to make the mistakes i have, and most importantly the ability to FORGIVE MYSELF and to know that no matter what, whether he leaves me for someone, turns out to be gay, dies in a plane crash or whatever... the one thing i DO have control over is myself. those things are out of my control and always will be. would i be devestated if any of the above-mentioned things happened? fuck yeah... would i survive? without a doubt... would i BE OK? i finally think so. im not going to get better overnight but i see the progress i have already made and its getting easier everyday to relax and go with the flow. there IS a middle ground between being a pushover and seeking complete control of all things, and that is to control myself... what i say, what i eat, who i fuck, ect.

ive realized i AM a pretty monogamous person, but the label does scare me. keeping things open in my opinion is just an easy way to promote honesty in the relationship. we are humans and humans have been known to do some dumb ass shit. i figure as long as there is honesty and REAL love there, there is potential to work past anything that comes up. the hard part is not having any control over how honest my partner is but i figure if i practice what i preach, tell the truth, refrain from unnecessary suspicions and just generally be at peace with myself, that theres a better chance of things working out the way i want them. and hell, if not? i will survive.

MY POEMS
in significant other words, besides i love you

a love daze
spending days and nights
nestled tight inside your cozy cocoon
anticipating a pupation
with ever growing patience
never knowing when, but trusting
that there must be a pair of magnificent wings
somewhere under there

through trial and err we dare to learn
to bare ourselves
in the most vulnerable ways

i recall all of your breathy exclamations
upon penetration
finding such sweetness behind hooded eyes
the nape of your neck
mouth agape with passion
and mind fashioned for compassion

if only i could properly convey
all the ways you have mended me
sending my heart into catharsis
a purging of insecurity
my purity regained

and now remains a fair sense of surety
that the suspense of life is so worthwhile
and i will smile again despite the tears
the years might bring my way
that ill continue to sing just because
you make me feel beautiful


*


midnight walmart run

more evil than bulimia but the bargains are so much better.
i clutched a sticky lighter in my hand and eyed a flattened cigarette by the entrance.
i couldn't make out the brand but it was personalized by a sole of a shoe of some shopper.
as i made my way toward my prize i was interrupted by a girl i knew.
she had married a fag, she told me, but all was all right with the universe.
i feigned an emotion, any, i cant recollect which one.
my focus was a dirty cigarette
and avoiding the deceit in her voice as she lied out loud only to herself.
pretending to believe made me uncomfortable so i left her remembering me warmly
while frantically sipping my iced coffee to remind myself what temperature my heart needed to be at.

i found my guilty bargain hanging pitifully alone.
didn't bother to try on the sweater and settled on a color
that resembled one that now pumped in accelerated speeds in my chest.
they were out of black.
too cold and guilty to linger much longer so i headed for the door.
got caught behind an old man in an old man hat in an old man wheelchair.
he muttered "excuse me kids" to some laughing teens passing the opposite direction,
hitting each other playfully because that's what lovers do.
i cringed, perhaps with some smite, and waited for him to tell them things like:
"its all lost anyway".
instead he made a cute quip, you know the kind the elderly say to youth,
to make them suddenly feel full of life.

i couldn't deny a small dash of warmth in that area beneath my ribs
but i ran away, anyway, and let my smile waver.
grabbed that half burnt butt and had my way with it.


*


caffiene

yesterday a hurried coffee bath
interrupted by impatient foot falls.
day after yesterday I caffeinate myself manic
while I consider disposable income
and carving sigils in flesh
(a premeditated spontaneity)
And then perchance a poetic porcelain verse
As I release angst and coffee in one go.
Then I can deliriously masturbate my worries away
under strange throw pillows
Desperate to find a hint of wisdom in cable television
shows about homes which are not the one
Back home where life is littered with
soiled dishes and rudimentary thoughts.
unverbalized words I’ve been gathering like stones
To drop either into an ocean or in a pile at someone’s feet
I stimulate tension into every situation,
Especially the calmest ones.


*


too much room at the inn

subservient beside the kitchen range
a defenseless naked need,
disregarded or just unremarked.
palpable luxuria would be my dinner
had distraction not debased this dish inedible.
my invitee is only slightly peckish for my paltry oblation
so i grease his imagination
and consume myself in the name of my father, his gun,
and this standing rib roast
while he makes inner discourse his main course.
i go to sleep brimming with vacancy...
too much room at this inn.


*


keeping a bleeding heart clean

keeping misdirections to my heart taped to my inner thigh never seemed to be effectual.
i had them inked on my forehead til a mutual nervous sweat blurred them unrecognizable.
not that there wasnt an obviously well beaten path visible from most any distance.
just hang a left at lonliness and its a straight shot.
and then its new... still for you and again for me.
the novelty of bleeding smaller bits of bitter blood has been exhilarating,
but i fear these rare bouts of hemorrhaging will be easier to slip in.
i was never skilled at the necessary constancy that patience entails, especially silent distress.
sometimes my silence is the loudest thing you'll ever hear,
if you get close enough to become adrift in that sub audible undertow.
that place where i would cast my spare change,
the horrible nostalgia and bits of broken hearts,
when i ran out of room under the rug to sweep them.
its hard to believe the recycled love i usually left with unreceptive lovers
is worth attaining enough to climb that hill of beans i made
when i forgot to bite my tongue and spilled them all.
is there actual treasure you seek on the other side or are you a victim of enchantment?
brazen duality bleeds into one the longer you trudge
and suddenly saints and magicians seem remarkably similar.
you manage my messes in ways so graceful
that my response can only be grateful.
but please, tread carefully.


*


playing the game

its no coincidence
i sense the snap
of things coming together
however slow.
sometimes my eyes are closed
as my destiny flows
into the rest of me.
a test can be a level up
or the devils crutch.
so much of what we learn
is spurned from the touch
of pain.
whether we gain
a change of heart
or fall apart
youll never be the same.
you play the game
at your own pace,
chase the most scenic path
to the end,
then do it again
and again
and again
till you win.


*


coughed up sugar crystals

twilight champagne raptures
sea-blue stained glass heaven
coughed up sugar crystals
impart reveries unleavened

slip underneath a sandy sheet
gyrate toungless conversation
tempt the stagnant stardust
to liberate vibrations


*


pain

i am the most vulnerable version of angry youll ever know
i know it hurts me more than it hurts you, but that may be the reason why.
why do i deny loving without feeling pain?
why does it hurt when i love you?
i went to the grocery store this morning and i noticed that
i am the man grasping at an ulcerous stomach as he examines the hot sauce selection carefully and tenderly
ive been damaged
more than half of my life ive been damaging myself
with knives and cocks and self pity
my name is katie and i am an abuse addict.
give it to me or watch me feel it.
happiness has to be somewhere other than in a chemical
or in someones arms.


*


to you know who

a buttery love
i spread it around
and get a taste for it

lets make a toast
to our health
and the flavor we made

last few bites i took
were spicy
then bland

but your taste is smooth
and lingers
on my tounge

maybe there is time for more
but till then
i savor you

your silence was intense
i could have cut it with a knife
but i used my mouth instead

i multiplied the emotion
and your cerebral response
laconic transience

the things we learned in small spaces
on couches
and corners of beds

pupils that mirrored
the words we felt
but could not speak

hands that told stories
on your chest
or my hips

the joys of brevity
song with no end but
one of the best ive ever sung


*


close

your fingerprints
on my cilia - microscopic hairs
ill examine them later
analyze your data
when you are lacking
when your breath is gone
and i miss your respiration
or the sensation of your salivation
i swear ill bare all of me to you
you get to strip me down and
decide to dissect which parts
whatever is clever
take an endeavor
play some games ill let you win
i let you in didn't i
there will be no prize except reprise
and you'll remember you were never alone
well be connected and wont need protecting
for awhile
its gonna hurt, we will bleed
and you will love it
l will love it
to feel that pain and change its mind for the night
or longer
brains are puzzles that will fit before we do
but when you fit me right
and take me slow ill show astronomy
inside my anatomy
celestial flecks of flesh in trails
comets gale
you'll never see a sun burn so bright
till you look directly at it


*


jave maggot

life of a maggot
squirming on the inside of a coffee pot
dark depths of half-caf below
universe of kitchen utensils and appliances outside
does he loathe our existence like we loathe his?

what are his dreams?
will he gorge himself on musky moldspores
drown in a pool of past prime particles
or perhaps find love in a cave of congealed coffee?


*


the blues

you make me want to
move to the country
find a guitar
and sing a song
about having the blues
because i love a boy
that has a girl
who isnt me

a song about dreaming
of walking barefoot down railroad tracks
drinking southern comfort
and skinny dipping with the stars
and a boy
with eyes like space
and a buddah smile
that makes me forget that things exist
other than railroad tracks
guitars
southern comfort
and you

you make me want to
sing a song
thats been written before
because i know this story
its already been told
infinite times
a few times by me
about hearts that ache
for things they cant have
but my song would be for you
and how you make me feel
like i want to move to the country
find a guitar
and sing the blues


*


shhhh

THere your languid body lay
cruel, subdued, impassioned.
So i fashion enthusiasm from the ether and pass it your way.
Its unreciprocated, but i guess you were bated...
it seems all the 'love yous' return uninflected, just as i expected.
i selfishly murmur to draw you further
towards my graceless posture.
obligingly you offer your ear and
i tell you how your eyes smoulder
but my thoughts they stir and i wonder,
whether lust or disdain are hiding under,
or if anything really hides...
conversation falls by the wayside and we go.
because this is real or because i made it so?
or maybe your just quiet...

but SHHHHHH!

we cant talk about it.


*


JESUS IS CUMMING

JESUS IS CUMMING
AND CUMMING SOON
HE'LL BE HERE
SIX
SIX
SIX
HOURS BEFORE NOON
HE CUMS EVERY DAY TO PLAY AROUND
AND SEE WHATS HAPPENIN AND GOIN DOWN
AND HE TRIES TO WARM ME UP AND STUFF
AND EVEN THO ITS COLD I TRUST
THAT IF I HOLD MY HEAD UP THROUGH THE BREEZE
AND STICK MY TOUNGE OUT AT THE LEAVES
THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE OK
EVEN WHEN ALL THE FLOWERS START TO DECAY
AND ALL THE BIRDS AND CRITTERS GO AWAY
THEY SAY THAT JESUS WILL CUM BACK
YEAH IF DARKNESS GROWS HE WILL ATTACK
HE SHINES HIS LOVE ACROSS THE WORLD
HE CUMS ON EVERY BOY AND GIRL
WHEN THEY ARE SAD AND NEED A FRIEND
HES ALWAYS THERE
HES EVERYWHERE
BUT YOU CANT SEE HIM AFTER NIGHT
HES SLEEPING THEN AND THATS ALLRIGHT
CUZ YOULL SLEEP TOO AND DREAM ITS TRUE
CAUSE US AND JESUS WEAR THE SAME SIZE SHOES


*


long bath

apart we were unclean
bedsores and moldspores
unmended hearts barely bandaged
coming undone
unsung at the seams
so unclean

together we learned to bathe
water almost unbearably hot
but we were so cold

we slipped under folds of steam
you barely caught a breath
but i breathed into you
as you gave yourself to me

the air was thick
im not sure we could see.
perhaps you saw youself
as i watched me
become clean, sanitized
satisfied
sanctified

id never been so clean
before i couldnt reach some scars if i tried
and how i cried knowing they were there
and the care i took to forget
until i let you pick out the dirt
the years had gathered there.

such a relieving pain
a painful relief.
this time when tears came you met them with your hands.
and you loved to watch me heal...
how real and how yours i was!

you had tears too.

i caught glimpses by the chance
of a sideways glance or in mirrors
i scrubbed at your wounds before they healed
sometimes you bled
that it was red was a comfort.

our bath became too red.
the aftermath of redemption
so bloody but still warm.
sharing water with you was being alive
being baptized

the drip of drops became monotanous.
the thought of us forever
picking at wounds
and making new ones
silenced a calm we made

we made a splash

i must have made a bigger mess
of the stress of keeping us both clean.
you gave me new scars
that you forgot to tend
and i depended on a constant bath
we forgot the reasons we bathed.

now we pull a plug
and step out of our watery home.
we have grown away from a rusted love
a tub empty and stained, but a memorial
it was real but lets not dwell.

lets go home and shower quick!
youre barely broken and im almost fixed.
maybe we will find a place again
when we are pink and new
where we can be clean together.


*


chanel hell

You have condemmed yourself to Chanel Hell
you sail that direction in your vacuous shell
all that glitters is your favorite interest
you dress your daughter like a tiny princess
she wants a mommy and you want
pedicures, chemical cures
all of your sickness is becoming hers
at what point do you draw a line
you women are a dozen and your daughters are dimes
in the pockets of your designer jeans
but whats it all mean?
id say its time
to look inside
put away your diamonds and pearls
and decide
the worth of a girl


*


suicide express


take a ride on the suicide express
buy a ticket to the next time around
there are worlds other than these
but the last few have been slow
except when they go fast


we are all searching
for love, for knowledge
for towers and grails
if it wasnt a game how would we ever win
or lose

god is the devil and
spaceworms are swallowing their own tails
in a galaxy near you
if your into that kinda thing

watch your self rot
but have fun doing it


*


text

spreadsheet entry
masturbating to weightloss FAQs
cubing herself in
sometimes i think she wants to
jump to one or follow the other
down the dream spiral
between rocks
its cozy down there i bet
a little less overstated
i wonder what the X on that map means
and what will i eat tonight
my foot
i want to put it in my mouth
sliding backwards is easy
its so slippery here
im stuck in a trail
ill file all of this in a drawer
for when i dont need to remember
at the scenes end
when i wished i did it all differently
or exactly the same
i dont have a crystal ball
did you know that i was lonely
did i know that i was frozen
i think we all knew
and forgot to mention it
between all the other conversation we didnt have
am i going to fix it
ok


*


feedback

infectious contemptuous pyrexia
breeds devoted emotional dyslexia
implicating each others improprieties
feeds feverous flushing anxieties
our hastily declared hostility
eliminates all emotive malleability
our mutually irrevocable irritation
makes for constant lack of motivation


*


perennial plunders

scrabble babble
dip and dabble
sober scribbles
dressing dribbles
octobers over
holy clover
perennial plunders
buckle under
aimless endeavors
mine or whoevers
slick stagnation
needs sedation


*


space ape

uncle sam traded his robe for scales
time travelling space man in a snake suit
offering devilish fruits
to naked apes
on the 8th day man became god
and now he wants you
to repent


*


revelations

opening old bibles
noticing notes of a younger me
i revealed 17 7's in revelations
highlighting yellow
feeling small
scribbling over inked prayers
on paper as thin as the hope i had
that the prayer would be answered
and to my chagrin
it wasnt
scribble scribble
dont tell god i asked for a miracle


*


IAM

im offended by your talk of flesh,
and being caught up in it
like you aint all up in it
bit by bit, peice by peice
your the fleshiest person ive met to say the least
id say your filled with the beast
but you call it a holy spirit
your really no where near it
in fact you fear it
dont talk to me abotu sanctification
like its simple multiplication
me times church dont equal freedom
i can get high on god without them
and so could you
but i guess our ideas of god just dont mesh
my gods name is my own and hes here in my flesh
outside, above me, and through
and also in you
his name is your name too
the flesh of humans, lions and lambs
you dont have to go so far to find him
cause his name is IAM


*


a moment

reasons why not to distract myself surface,
minutes fill with purpose,
however fleeting the pace of my heart is beating,
in time with every key i stroke...
whether the punchline to the joke that is my hope,
or another intimate slice of being, forever freeing,
from monotany at least...
my heart feasts,
on an experience thats only mine,
while i sip this wine.
and although bitersweet on my tounge,
its just fine, with me.
imagination is free.


*


magnetism

polar edges revolve around the issue
compelled to dance in circles
around a feild of force
perpetually angry that we cannot attract
because we once did
whether indecision or pride
we spin and push a sad and pointless dance
my heart is tired
can we stick together
or fall apart?


*


heat

imagination
skips straight to the heat
of a memory unmade
my heart trips over a beat
your hand meets
the base of my neck
finds a resting place
in my hair
a breath of air
gets caught in your ear
can you hear
my lips calling
yours
my mind stalling
stretching
catching a moment
reveling in the intensity
of our density
the concentration of our bodies
on fire


*


putting down the shovel

i wont let leeches let my blood for me
but ill let you clean up the mess with your forked tounge
when my serrated secrecy is interrupted

having proof of my pain proves nothing
except that i bleed the same color as you
but with my mouth closed

you will let yourself lack control while i play god with sharp edges
eventually we will wake up under 6 feet of dust
and call it lessons learned

but before hand i will consider
how many times we need to bury ourselves alive
before we dont? .


*


bathroom blurbing

you see her toes curled into her discount sandals. you see her chipped green and pink nail polish and dont know that it is from 2 months ago when she had the only pedicure of her life because her mother wanted someone to go to the spa with. you dont know that she went home with expensively pampered feet to a house with no food feeling like a queen.

you see the stiffness of her posture in her rigid toes, unmoving. she is silent. you wonder why she does not move. you imagine her sitting on the toilet seat clutching a roll of scratchy warehouse toilet paper. is she deep in thought? is she using the small stall to meditate, pray, cry? maybe she is hiding. maybe she fell asleep.

you dont know that her life is suffocating her.. you cant tell how close her nerves are to frayed. you are not able to see the silent desperation in her eyes. it is apparant to no one but herself that she feels...

that she feels, as she sits in a stall of a bathroom, clenching her toes inside her discount sandals, clenching a discount copy of "tao te ching", trying to breathe, entertining herself with the dissociative view of a stranger who only sees a slice of her reality, from ground level.


*


dream time


As Guy droned on and on, Katie distracted herself by watching the goings on in the small, dimly lit bar they sat in. She nodded her head at intervals which seemed appropriate, and Guy did not seem to notice that her eyes drifted serenely across the sparkling corners of colored liquor bottles, catching the tired gazes of drunk bar patrons, then taking in the dark floor littered with broken shells, a wasteland of discarded peanut bones. Her eyes settled back on Guy's face. She watched him, but try as she might she did not hear him. Her lids had become heavy. She felt slightly mezmerized by his voice, which had faded completely into the background by now. All sounds had blended together into a chorus of clatter, clinks and clanks, with muted laughter and the occasional muffled sobs as accompanyment. In her hypnotic state, she did not feel too startled when Guy's face suddenly begin to morph. His face widened, the curves of cheek, nose and forehead sinking, or melting, into itself. The sides of his face and head expanded in each direction until it resembled a moon. The man on the moon. His sunken eyes studied her as the seemingly nonsensical jumble words continued to flow from his mouth, which had changed proportions entirely. It now resembled a large "O". His face was now sporting several craters, and numbers had swam to the surface of his moon face and began to twirl and dance as if trying to find their places. Now a train track came sliding out from the place his ear should have been. "Chuga Chugga" said a train that began to materialize, moving in time with the steadily growing track. The train and track moved together, extending towards Guy's O shaped mouth. A sharp whistle sounded as the train found the mouth of the cave. It was shrill and more THERE than the now almost entirely silent hum of the bar. A movement overhead caught her attention, so she turned her gaze skyward. There was a small, somewhat cartoonish cow above them, mooing dreamily as it jumped over (the moon) Guy's head. Katie almost chuckled outloud. She turned back to Guy to see that his face was now the face of a clock... She now simutaniously became aware of two things. One of these realizations was that she was asleep, and dreaming. And finally, she noticed the narraration that had been playing somewhere in the back of her head the entire time the spectacle before her played out. It started something like this: "As Guy droned on and on, Katie distracted herself by watching the goings on in the small, dimly lit bar they sat in..."